Not Today
by ioanhoratio
Summary: Danny and Lindsay deal with the life changing events of Pay Up. Based on season 6 spoilers. Not really fluffy. Please read author's note!


**Not Today**

**By: ioanhoratio**

**Author's Note: PLEASE READ! I just want to make sure everyone is aware that this story is a result of spoilers for season six. Well, I can only assume they are spoilers. You can never know for sure this early (it may all be a big elaborate misdirection from TPTB) either way I want to make sure that if you are going Spoiler Free you don't read this. I myself am trying to go spoiler free but happened to stumble across this bit of information by accident and this story idea wouldn't quit bugging me. It's not my typical story telling so I hope it comes out ok. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED ;)**

**This story begins after **_**Pay Up**_

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He was going to live. Those words brought such a wave of emotion Lindsay was nearly knocked over by it. She gripped tightly to Mac's arm fighting to stay standing; the irony of her thoughts bringing a grimace to her face.

She was trying to pay attention to what the doctor was saying. His words seemed mumbled and distorted as if he was shouting at her through water. Time didn't really seem a factor any more. How long had she been waiting, staring at the neutral colored walls? Hours? Days? She watched as the doctor gesticulated quickly with his hands and as Mac's head nodded slowly in response.

'Focus,' Lindsay commander herself silently.

"…we aren't saying this is a permanent issue. Right now we don't know a lot that is conclusive except that he is breathing on his own and his heartbeat is strong," the doctor assured her.

"Can I see him?" she asked—her voice weak from disuse and fear.

The doctor's answer was once again swept away and Lindsay struggled to wade through his words, "…in ICU…a nurse…shortly…stay hopeful Mrs. Messer." He turned and walked away; no smile, no baseless words of encouragement, just leaving her drowning in cold reality.

Lindsay silently turned and sat again and stared at the familiar spot on the wall and waited. It wasn't long before a young nurse called out to her.

She dutifully followed and listened as she was told what to expect, her eyes focusing on the green stripe running the length of the wall as if it were a life line. Soon she stood outside his door and taking a deep breath she pushed in.

The silence surprised her. Her mind had conjured up images of huge machines beeping and whirling fighting off the undertow of death. There were only a few small machines recording his signs of life from a clip on his finger and an I.V. in his arm. His pale skin looked gaunt under the soft glow of the single light over his bed. The darkness of the rest of the room appeared as an abyss waiting to pull her under.

Shaking the image from her mind Lindsay made her way over to the only available chair in the room. She pulled up close to his bed and carefully took his hand in hers. It was warm. She watched as his chest rose and fell with each breathe. She felt his pulse beneath her finger tips. He was alive. That was all that mattered.

Her fingers tightened their hold on his and she rested her head near his arm. The emotions and stress of the day began to seep out of her soul and form tears in her eyes.

"Linds?" his groggy voice croaked.

Her head flew up and she quickly swiped at her eyes with her free hand.

"Ya ok?" he mumbled.

Lindsay simply nodded trying to swallow the lump that had lodged itself in her throat.

"ya cryin'?" he asked—his voice no more than a whisper.

She gave a slight cough to try and buy her some time as attempted to get control of her emotions then finally answered, "No. Not today."

Danny gave a slight nod then immediately dropped back into a drug induced sleep.

Lindsay reached out and ran the back of her hand against his cheek. She was not going to allow herself to break down. He was alive. That was all that mattered. Everything else they would deal with together.

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Lindsay stood outside of trace and watched as her husband's frustration became more and more apparent. It burned hot and glowed bright. She wanted to desperately go in and help but knew it would not be appreciated by him. He was still learning to use the chair and a crime lab wasn't the most conducive environment to his education.

She saw him try and balance his bag of evidence in his lap and come around the desk. The package began to slip and Danny frantically reached out a hand to catch it. Having let go of one of the wheels of his chair he had now over steered and wound up ramming into the corner of the desk.

Lindsay knew that the red heat of embarrassment had spread across his cheeks but could only watch as he slammed his hand against his chair. She knew what he was thinking; the now ever present feelings of inadequacy binding him to the chair stronger that any bullet ever could.

He had come back to work too soon. They had discussed it but Lindsay was never sure how to encourage him while keeping it realistic. She was glad he was back at work but knew that he wasn't really ready. She would remain silent on this matter however. She wasn't going to risk upsetting him over it. His anger seemed to be always boiling just below the surface waiting to erupt and she was most often the recipient of his outbursts. Knowing that his anger wasn't really directed at her did little to protect her against the sting but she knew that what ever pain she was feeling was nothing compared to his.

She knew his body was exhausted. His physical therapy wasn't going quickly enough for him. He was impatient and irritated. He was stubborn and pig-headed. He fought hourly with his perception that he was broken and useless.

She could see the flames of disappointment licking at his heels as he pushed away from the desk and caught her eye. She offered him a small smile and he scowled as he turned away from her.

Lindsay couldn't help the scalding pain that ripped through her heart. Fighting the temptation to slam her own hand against something, Lindsay reminded herself for the umpteenth time that he was upset with the situation not with her.

"Lindsay?" a soft, friendly voice called out to her.

Startled, Lindsay jumped away from the glass door. She hadn't realized how firmly she had pressed herself against it.

"Oh, hey Stella," she greeted trying to force the cheerfulness back into her voice.

Stella looked at the younger woman and then looked to where Lindsay's gaze had been so riveted.

"How's his first day back going?" Stella asked with concern.

Lindsay sort of shrugged before saying, "He hasn't yelled at anyone yet and he hasn't given up so I guess we are calling it a win today."

Stella placed a hand on Lindsay's arm. "You know kiddo if you need to take a break and talk or just need a shoulder to cry on I'm here."

Lindsay gave Stella a smile that she didn't feel and answered, "That is very sweet but I don't need it. Not today but thanks Stella. I appreciate that, really. I'm ok though. If I could just get us through today we are one step closer to getting better."

Stella just nodded in return as she looked at the new mother who was trying to do all the standing for two people. Lindsay took another moment to watch her husband but soon turned and said with one of her empty smiles, "Well, back to work."

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Mac looked on as his Montanan C.S.I. wearily pulled on her coat. She wrapped her scarf around her neck and pulled on her gloves. She stood frozen for a moment seemingly lost in a daze then visibly shook her head, releasing herself from her thoughts. He had seen the challenges of the past few months weigh her down but she had refused to be buried beneath a blanket of self-pity.

He stood and called out to her as she passed his office door.

"What's up Mac?" she asked him reluctantly. He knew she feared he was asking her to say a little longer.

Mac chuckled, "Don't worry I don't have a case for you. I was just wondering how my goddaughter was doing."

Lindsay gave him a sheepish look but soon allowed a smile to spread across her face. Lucy was always the one topic that would melt any sadness.

"She's great. She is an expert crawler now and Danny and I can barely keep track of her," Lindsay offered proudly, "the other day I found her under the toilet."

"Really?" Mac asked with a laugh.

"Yep, we have learned you have to watch her like a hawk," Lindsay answered.

"Have you guys got any of those baby gates?" he inquired then immediately regretted it as a cloud briefly passed over Lindsay's face.

Her voice was bright however as she responded, "Those things are hard to deal with and Danny doesn't like them so we just do our best to keep her wrangled."

Mac felt ridiculous. Of course Danny wouldn't appreciate having to deal with gates; his own mobility being an obstacle.

He recovered quickly and said, "I need to get over to see her soon."

"Yes, she always enjoys playtime with Uncle Mac," Lindsay agreed.

"How's Danny feeling these days? He always seems to give me a one word answer when I ask him," Mac said.

"Let me guess, that one word is 'fine?'" Lindsay said knowingly.

Mac nodded.

Lindsay sighed. She had heard that word quite often herself. "His physical therapy is coming along. He is able to use his walker around the house for short spurts of time which I had hoped would help his mood but he only sees each accomplishment as a testament to how far he still has to go."

"He'll get through this Lindsay. He can't see it right now but he is going to be able to keep going thanks to you," Mac comforted her.

Lindsay gave a scoff.

"How are you doing Lindsay?" he wanted to know.

"I can't complain Mac," she said without even thinking—she was used to that question.

Mac raised his eyebrows at her in mild disbelief.

"I'm serious Mac," she asserted, "I have a job, a home, a healthy daughter, and though he would argue with me a healthy husband."

"Yes, but how are _you_ doing?" he pushed.

Lindsay didn't answer right away. Her thoughts drifted back to the morning events. Danny had the day off and was planning to take Lucy to the park. Lindsay had packed the diaper bag for him which had turned out to be a mistake. Danny had gotten angry with her, accusing her of babying him. He could pack a damn diaper bag on his own. She had gotten equally defensive and told him to grow up. The conversation had gone down hill from there. Lindsay had stormed out of the apartment and then endured the silent treatment from her husband for the rest of the day having all of her calls go to his voice-mail. This type of situation had happened more times than Lindsay cared to remember.

Mac watched as Lindsay wrapped her arms around her body as if to fight of a chill.

"I…I'm losing him Mac," she whispered.

Mac didn't fill the silence that followed her statement.

Lindsay swallowed down the cold that was spreading through her body and continued, "I can handle the exhaustion of taking care of Lucy, of taking care of him. I can handle the long hours at work so we can pay the hospital bills. I can handle doctor's appointment after doctor's appointment. I can handle the times he lashes out at me or the times he pushes me away but I can't handle knowing that I might lose him after everything we've been through. I feel like I'm living on a thin sheet of ice and any moment it will give way."

Lindsay hid her face in her hands fighting to keep her tears from falling.

Mac began to walk over to her and place a comforting arm around her when she suddenly stood up straight and cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry," she choked out, "I can't do this. Not today. I can't deal with this right now. I'm sorry I have to get home." She turned and fled from his office.

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A blurry eyed Lindsay pulled her tired body up from the bed. She reached over and turned the baby monitor down wishing it were that easy to stop her daughter's wails. Night time baby duties had become almost completely her responsibility. She knew Danny hated that but it had just been easier for Lindsay to get out of bed than to have Danny try to get in and out of his wheelchair. Although now that he was able to use his walker a bit more he had insisted he would start pulling his share. Lindsay had silently nodded but knew her reluctance had shown in her eyes. She wanted Danny to be a daddy and help with Lucy but she was afraid of him falling in the night and getting hurt. Things seem easier in the daylight. Heartache usually waited for the sun to disappear.

She threw a quick look in Danny's direction grateful he hadn't awoken. She wasn't in the mood to fight with him. She walked out of their bedroom and into the nursery. She scooped up her screaming daughter and began nursing her. Lindsay gazed lovingly at her child. Her eyes and nose so much like her father's that Lindsay's heart swelled with love. The best of them lay in her arms slowly falling back to sleep.

A sound from the hallway brought her head up. Lindsay sat perfectly still and waited. She knew Danny was making his way into the room; the soft thud of his walker matching the nervous beats of her heart.

Lucy had thankfully falling back to sleep and with a kiss Lindsay returned her to her crib then stepped out into the hall. Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness and she could see him slowly making his way towards her. Both were silent as they watched each other. She made no attempt to go to him or offer to help. He didn't acknowledge her presence with anything more than a defiant look.

His paced slowed and she knew his legs were beginning to burn. He didn't stop. She saw his arms shake as they were holding up a good portion of his body weight. He didn't stop. She could do nothing as she watched his knees buckle beneath him and his body crash towards the floor. His legs were not yet strong enough to hold his weight so quickly after lying prone in bed but the damn fool wouldn't stop.

Lindsay hurried to him and crouched down to try and help him up. The force he used to angrily shove her away surprised them both. Caught off guard her body careened backwards. Danny had tried to reach out and catch her but she hit the wall with a thud. They sat for a moment just staring at each other with stunned expressions.

"Linds…" he began and watched as she pulled her knees to her chest and turned from him.

"Lindsay, I'm so sorry I didn't mean…I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" his desperate words were met with silence as Lindsay buried her face in her hands, "Baby, please. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I…please…I'm so sorry."

Lindsay felt her heart explode and in a flash of emotions she fisted her hand and swung it at him. She didn't care where she hit him she just wanted to hit him as hard as she could. Danny was unprepared for the on slot and was knocked back. Lucy began screaming again having been disturbed from her slumber by the noise of her parents knocking each other around.

Lindsay scrambled to her feet and ran to her daughter. Shame and anger flowed down her face in the hot tears that fell from her eyes.

Danny listened to Lindsay sooth their daughter back to sleep from his spot on the floor. He wanted to slam his head against the wall but knowing that it would again wake Lucy he settled for fisting his hands and beating his legs. She would leave him now. He knew it. She didn't deserve the way he treated her. He had lost her. He never deserved to have her in the first place.

He was so lost in his own derisions that he hadn't heard her approach him. It wasn't until her tiny hands covered his to stop his self-punishment that he realized she was there.

"Linds…

"No. I talk. You lied to me," she accused as straddled his legs keep a hold on his hands, "You promised me that we would do this together. You said we made sense but I am really confused because you are not the man I married and it has nothing to do with your legs. I don't know when you decided I wasn't your wife anymore but enough is enough. I want my husband back." She locked her gaze with his, challenging him.

"I don't want your life to be bogged down by me," he admitted in a whisper.

"You don't get to make that decision," she answered back quietly.

"I don't know what to do Lindsay. I hate being like this," he confessed.

"I hate being like this," she shot back, "We have tried it your way. Now we try it mine. We are going to get professional help. I hate that you are unhappy and miserable and I hate that I am unhappy and miserable. We are not going to keep going on like this. We are not going to raise our daughter living this way. Our family is too important to let some idiots take it away from us. They've already taken enough."

"What if it doesn't help Linds? What if you realize there's no hope for me? What the hell will I do then?" his voice was laced with pain—a pain Lindsay knew had nothing to do with his body.

Lindsay let go of his hands and moved hers to either side of his head "Don't be an ass. Are you going to give up? 'Cause the only way you will ever lose me is if you walk out," she enforced.

Danny saw the love and sincerity in her sleep deprived face. They sat together in their lowest point gripping tightly to each other.

"Well I guess we both know that's not going to happen," he said as he motioned to his legs.

Lindsay's eyes grew large, "Did you just make a joke?"

"Yeah, too soon?" he asked sheepishly.

"You mean too soon after our late night brawl?" Lindsay asked sarcastically, "I'm not really sorry I hit you," she added.

"'S'ok. I deserved it. I never wanna to hurt you Linds," he asserted.

"I know but that means more that just never hurting me physically Danny," she said, "and you didn't deserve it. Neither of us does. We are going to stop hurting each other. Right now, today," she vowed.

"Yes, today," he swore.

Lindsay held onto her husband. She listened to his heart beat in his chest. He was alive and it was time to start living again. Why not today?

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**The end.**

**Thanks for reading!!!**


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